Adieu 2012

In French that title rhymes. Kinda…

So, some of you may have noted my absence. I’ve wanted to write many times but, my friends, it appears I’ve lost my funny bone. I’m pretty sure I’m suffering from some mild postpartum depression (PPD). Thankfully I am in love with and am able to take good care of my little H, but outside of the joy I get from him I have been having trouble finding it elsewhere. I realize that we still live in a time where I might be judged for this, or where people are unable to find the patience to deal with this temporary insanity. People might be wondering why I would admit this in writing. Well, with movements like Movember and Mental Health Month bringing these issues to the forefront, I don’t see the sense in pretending like everything is fine in my day to day life or in my writing. I’m not really hear to write about mental health. If you want a couple of good reads that I feel explain the current state of affairs (minus my very personal circumstances that I’m not prepared to share with the world at this time), click here for a magazine article and/or here for a bloggier recounting by saradraws writing for Le Clown’s Black Box Warnings. Welcome to Wonderland my darlings.

I’m mad, you’re mad. We all have our personal brand of insanity be it anxiety, depression, obsessive thinking etc. So why stay quiet? I’ve been absent and now you know why.

It’s the last day of 2012 and so I feel compelled to write one last post this year, although I remain uninspired. I began this blog last March shortly after discovering that my life had been following a very different trajectory from the one I was on, unbeknownst to me. This year has given me the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have considered myself the happiest girl in the world at times and at others, the saddest (yes, I know what you’re thinking…#firstwordproblems… I need some perspective sometimes). Regardless, it was the most amazing year of my life, because in 2012 I became a mom. I found out I was pregnant, carried a baby for 9 amazing and excruciating months, and began to figure out how to take care of him. If someone had handed me their infant last year I would have had no idea what to do. I’m not a kid person… or, at least, I wasn’t.

Bush demonstrating how I felt about babies… until I had one

2013 will likely involve redefining who I am. I think a lot of the PPD business has to do with suddenly feeling like a fish out of water. Everything happened at once. I had been a student since 2006 and had spent the last two years researching and writing a master’s thesis, all leading up to one big event: The Defense. Once that was conquered I flopped, plodded moaned and groaned until the unexpected c-section delivery of my baby boy. And then everything was different. I love my son more than anything in life, but this whole stay-at-home-mom thing is throwing me off. For the first time in 13 years I don’t have an income. I don’t have a lot of friends with children. I live far away from my family who I had seen on a regular basis. I no longer live with my best girl friend. I’m not a student anymore. I’m not researching or writing. I have no goals.

If the ref says no goal maybe it’s time to kick that ref’s behind…

Aha. I think that last one is the crux of the problem. All the other changes don’t really matter in the end. I mean, they’re just part of this new life and I’ll figure them out one way or another. Being an eternal student, my goal was to finish high school and get accepted to university. Then it was save money for university. Then it was finish my BA with a high enough average to pay my way through an MA. Once in the MA program it was to obtain enough funding to complete my MA program and once that was secured my focus switched to surviving my ennui with the system enough to finish the darn thing. I was sick of being a student, but it was all I knew. I have had permanent employment for the last 10 years, but never anything serious career-wise. I just had to work to pay the bills. No matter what, though, I was always goal oriented. And when the larger goals were far off I set myself smaller ones, like saving enough to buy a piano or to visit friends overseas. Anyways, I’m just a bit lost.

So, while acknowledging that this is broad, my goal for 2013 is to find myself again. To find some sort of way to combine who I am with who I thought I’d be.

Hint: I am not Jean Valjean

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not meaning to end this year on a depressing note. I’m not, as some have mistaken me to be, ungrateful for the life that I do have. I’m just trying to adjust. Think about it. One year ago I would never even have imagined that I’d be a mom this New Year’s Eve. That’s a pretty big life change… one of the biggest actually. Thanks to all those who have laughed and cried with me this year. I am truly grateful to those who have been kind, patient and understanding, even if it wasn’t always easy. I know I can be trying at times. Having you in my life means that I am truly blessed. May 2013 bring only lovely things to all of you. See ya on the flip side!

Little H wishes you a happy new year too