Someone just died in the McDonald’s drivethru. What’s that? I made that up? Yeah. No one died, but apparently someone ordered the entire restaurant and I regretted not going in on foot even though it was piss pouring rain outside. To make matters worse, the biatch that cut me off going into the drivethru was smoking a cigarette whose foul poison infiltrated my car. What’s that? My boyfriend is a smoker!? Ugh. I know! I said I’d never date a smoker, and truth be told, it really grosses me out… except when he does it. I’m such a hypocrite. And a liar.
Alllllll by myyyysellllffff!
Mom, I borrowed your gaucho pants… but we both know this is a lie. I stole them. I stole them because you took my brothers and abandoned me by going on vacation to British Columbia, only one of my favourite places on the planet, without me. What’s that? I could have gone but opted not to? WHO KEEPS POINTING THESE THINGS OUT TO ME!? Stupid conscience. Also, why is ‘!?’ not an actual button on a keyboard? It should be.
Why do we lie? Lying usually starts from a very young age. It starts with fantastic stories (or in my case, really really dumb self-preservation stories) and then later morphs into this trail of white lies in order to protect the innocent and/or guilty. Like J telling me he’s cutting back the cigarettes. Yeah. Friggen. Right. I’m not blind. Plus, I have the nose of a bloodhound thanks to the creature we planted in my uterus. So there. Don’t lie to ME, mister.
I remember telling my first lie. Okay, correction. The first lie I ever remember telling is this (there were surely many before my memory kicked in):
Back before I went to school with unicorns and leprechauns… I mean, faeries and gnomes… I mean, kids that drew with block crayons (minus the black ones) and wore sloganless t-shirts (don’t get me wrong, I love my Waldorf education. It’s just easy to make fun of), I used to go to school with normal children. You know, the kind that were allowed to have real chocolate rather than carob (dammit mom, we always caught you in that lie. Carob tastes nothing like chocolate!), play with plastic toys and wear Ninja Turtle t-shirts (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half shell, TURTLE POWER!). Well, there was this girl in my class named Jessica. I don’t remember why I wanted to be her friend, but for some reason I did. She never paid me much mind, but then
Whaaaa?
one day she loaned me her book. I was so excited! You can imagine my surprise when shortly after handing it back to her, the teacher approached me, Jessica in tears by her side, asking me if I’d taken Jessica’s four-leaf clover out of her book. Um, whaaaa? Instead of telling the truth, which was simply that I hadn’t noticed any clover and if it fell out of the book it was certainly an accident, I told the teacher that it was just a regular, run of the mill, nothing special three-leaved clover. In retrospect, I know a simple, “I didn’t realize” and “I’m so sorry” would have sufficed for the teacher, but hey, I was five. Besides, everyone knows she wouldn’t discover the luckiest clover for at least another 10 years.
Sorry. Couldn’t resist. This picture came up in my search for a clover. By no means am I suggesting that Jessica is a stoner. I don’t even know her last name, or really remember what she looked like even back then.
Another lie from that era (1988-1989) was the day I panicked because I broke my friend’s pen. It wasn’t one of those ordinary pens. It was one of those super cool ones that you clicked and the nib switched out for one of a different colour. Understandably, with such a rare piece of technology, my friend was very upset that I broke her pen. In a panic over the potential loss of my friendship, I assured her that it would be alright! She needn’t worry because my mom repaired pens for a living and could certainly tend to her precious writing accoutrement. I can only imagine what my mom thought when I handed her the broken pen and told her this tale. I’m assuming it went like this: 1. Shakes head, 2. Thinks, “My child is such a dumbass.” We went out and bought my friend a new pen that night.
I can’t wait for the doozies baby H will tell.
So yeah. Mom, I borrowed your gaucho pants. Good luck getting them back.
Now I want comfy gaucho pants to wear around…um…pretty much everywhere. And i want to learn to retain things that i learn, like how to spell “gaucho”. It is not good how many tries that took. I’m not telling.
I swear, I’m not taking them off until I go into labour. (Alas, another lie…)
Peaches,
Hi. And bye.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
Would you like Gaucho pants too?
Peaches.
Peaches,
I’m a clown. It goes without saying.
Le Clown
Shan,
“My boyfriend is a smoker…” I see! We were aligned in our topics, weren’t we… However, you should be more afraid of McDonald’s than cigs… Well, if we remove the formaldehyde and preservatives that is…
Le Clown
J and smoking is a topic that comes up a lot in this blog, mostly because I’m obsessed with making him quit. Yet I’m failing failing failing miserably :(. I know you can’t make someone do anything, especially when it comes to an addiction. But, I will not lie this time, you did trigger my brain on that one. Well, you and Smoky McSmokerson in the McDonald’s drivethru. Also, I told myself yesterday that I’d never eat at McDonalds again. I’m such a liar. Le sigh.
Shan,
Besides being awful food, McCrap is such an evil corporation… But that is a totally different blog post, right? And yay for finally being here, again. Fuck.
Le Clown
In my line of work (okay, study), I am very wary of the evil corporations. I need to listen to myself and not give in to the “easy” way out.
And yes, YAY! Dammit WordPress.
Shan,
Please refresh my memory…? What do you study?
Le Clown
I’m an MA student in geography… my specific area of study is the increasing popularity of economic solutions to environmental problems with respect to marine biodiversity conservation at the United Nations Convention on Biological Diversity. Whew. And that is me explaining it succinctly!
Shan,
I’m sorry, could you repeat this? I fell asleep along the way… The only thing I got was “environmental” and “marine biodiversity”, which makes me believe you would appreciate that I am a frog hobbyist.
Le Clown
Lol! I have never successfully explained this… That’s the thing about academia. It’s stupid specialized and difficult to make relevant in terms of a career. But I intend to try! Key words: marine conservation, economics, environment.
Also, I’m pleased the frogs have a friend in Le Clown.
Shan,
I will let my Dendrobates and Atelopus know.
You’re good peeps, btw, and your blog is refreshing.
Le Clown
Merci :)
No formaldehyde? Why even bother then!?
Don’t forget the arsenic!
Totally my favourite part!
A Soul Walker,
Right?? There’s a list of requirements, goddammit!
Le Clown
Pingback: Some Serious Shenanigans « Shan's Shenanigans
I think having Le Clown comment on your blog leads to being Freshly Pressed. congrats!
I think what you say is true! Et merci :)
I just checked! You’re up! Yeah!!
YAY!
You’re dating a smoker? That’s gross! So you kiss him and stuff, right? And he HAS heard about the bad affects of smoking cigarettes, right? I mean it’s printed right on the pack!
I mean if he smoked pot, like in your clover picture, at least he’d be getting high. Cigarettes don’t even do that…they just stop the withdrawal.
Good luck with that.
“You’re dating a smoker?” -Yes, yes I am.
“That’s gross!” -Yes, yes it is.
“So you kiss him and stuff, right?” -Yes, yes I do. And he’s an amazing kisser. Do I kiss him after he’s smoked one? No. That’s gross.
Re: The bad effects of cigarettes -Not justifying it, but have you ever had an addiction? I haven’t either, but someone close to me died of a heroin overdose. Did he think that doing heroin was smart? Probably not. Was he a bad person? No. He was a sad person and his family (all of whom are good people and none of whom do drugs) still mourn his passing.
I spent a long time being really judgemental and it was stressful. Sometimes you just have to let go. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but stress is also cancer causing.
Peace.
Yea I know how it feels having a boyfriend that smokes….can be worrisome tho!
Extremely witty post…made my otherwise boring day livelier ….
Pls visit my blog for everyday health tips….
http://goodhealthnaija.wordpress.com
For sure it’s worrisome. I have cried about it on many occasion (actually, I think I have another post about that somewhere). We fight about it all the time. But does that make him less worthy of being loved? Nope. It means he, like countless other teenagers, fell victim to some seriously targeted marketing of a product, that, IMO, should be illegal.
Thanks for stopping by and glad I could give you a laugh :)
Loved the post! And loved this reply. Well said!
Thanks lifebeginsat30sum! I stand behind it :)
That was a very kind restrained answer.
Gracias amiga! I meant it.
um, my grandpa was a very compulsive smoker… then he got stones in his body, lung cancer and dark yellow teeth and he lost his leg sensitivity so now he cant walk… conclusion: he is in a bed not able to walk, a sad sad sad old man… THATS what a ciggarett (or however you spell it) causses… whats that? he cant walk because of ciggars?? well… he did lost sensitivity, and he refused to use a cane… and he did fall down and brake his hips…umm… well… he is still in a bed not able to walk… —>main cause: compulsive smoking… :/
Yup, that’s precisely why I beg him to quit. It will hurt to see him that way.
I’m sure he’ll listen someday, every adiction can be fixed (or cured, or however you say it) :) as long as you never start smoking like him, everything can get fixed :) my grandma’ always tells me “se predica con el ejemplo” (im not so sure how to translate that into english… you might wanna look for it in google :P ) It kind of means that you teach with an example… (yeah, its that, you teach with your own example) im sure he’ll get over it ;)
Btw, exc post !!
Reblogged this on strutdogg.
Merci beaucoup. I’m honoured :)
ummm…. yeah..Nothing ;)
Haha. I probably wouldn’t know what to say either ;) Thanks for stopping by!
:)
Hah, this was cool. Really amusing :) I couldn’t help but get a tiny sinking feeling in my stomach when I realized I told massive lies as a child, over really stupid stuff. “Mum, Miss wouldn’t let me go outside so my friend turned into a dragon and ate her” “Mum, I was tired in class so the floor turned into a massive bed and I kind of missed maths”. What.
Haha. Those are some awesome lies, and are, I think, less harmful as far as lies go. I have a little brother that told lies fast and furiously, but they were the kind that were hard to separate from truth and I know they seriously stressed out my parents. At least yours were rather fantastical! Hope your Mum got a few good chuckles :)
And, of course and always, thank you for the compliment.
Ha! I had to google ‘gaucho pants’ – didn’t know those things had a real name!
I preferred Hammer pants during pregnancy, they cover up more things ;)
I have also tried Thai Fisherman pants because you can tie them nicely below the baby bump, but after about an hour of them starting to sag it was pointed out to me that I looked like I was wearing a diaper. Le sigh.
Thanks for taking the time to read my shenanigans :)
Reblogged this on Lutaya Shafiq Holmes.
Thanks :)
Great blog,if you want to win money please register here:
http://www.clixsense.com/?4277458
It’s free and you’ll get rich!
I agree that my blog is great, but I’m skeptical about getting rich at the click of a mouse.
Reblogged this on shitisokay.
Danke schön :)
Yes shannon of course you blog is great and THAT is no lie. However I was absolutely, definitely, postively (all them ‘ly’ words) NOT the one who put a red pair of bloomers in with the white wash. uh uh that wasn’t me.
Haha. And whose whites did(n’t) you ruin?
Thanks for reading :)
Funny
you should ask. ever date a guy with pink under things? haaaaaaa
Haha. Sure it was much appreciated.
Yeah it’s all fun and games til someone gets caught with thier pants down. hmmmm.
You are a riot.
Why thank you :) And my parents always thought my brother was the funny one… Your blog looks up my alley, btw. I’ll be back to check it out.
today’s “Freshly Pressed” was starting to read “stale” but for you… lovely!!! love the humour :D
I think when I was about 3/4 yrs OLD, if I’d spoil anything with my buttered-fingers then I used to blame my fingers – so says my mom whose orange top accidentally made way to my wardrobe…
Thanks s1ngal! That’s quite the compliment. I think my cheeks might be permanently stained red by the end of today. Love the “my fingers did it” lie too. That’s a half truth that lie!
I enjoyed your post on dreams. I’ll have to think about what my favourite dream was. I’ve had some weird ones.
From one liar to another, thanks for giving away some of our good secrets ;) Dare I say you are brilliant though? [not a lie!]
Haha. Thanks, from one crazy girl to another :p I’m following your blog now. Just took a quick glace so far (I have to get some work done today after all and keeping up with all you lovely complimentary people is going to make me fail grad school!), but it looks awesome. I’ll be back :)
Thank god for ‘freshly pressed’ eh? Or else I would have missed out on your scrumdidlyumptious blog … us crazies must stick together!
This is hilarious. I’ve told some dumb lies as a child too, it always seems like a better idea at the time :-)
http://stepstochangetheworld.wordpress.com/
I think we all have… it would be fun to read a collection of them.
Thanks for stopping by and for the compliment :)
Kudos for Freshly Pressed and congrats on the critter!
I’m so spaced out that I actually just typed “Reply:” before starting my comment… what on earth told my brain to do that!? Oh pregnancy…
Thank you and thank you. I’m feeling quite accomplished between the promotion and the person growing. It’s a lot to take in :)
Are you in western Canada? I”m guessing from the B.C. vacation you didn’t go on :)
I’m in Ontario… originally from Toronto but moved north. I love B.C… and I’m due to go back. Last time I was there for a week I was bedridden with food poisoning for 5 days! So sad :(
Ah, I’m from Alberta, currently in Texas :) I’ve only been out east once, to Ottawa and Montreal. So sad you missed out because of food poisioning last time! I need to go visit my uncle and go salmon fishing up there. Mmm.. salmon :)
interesting!!
My bloodhound nose sympathizes with your bloodhound nose. Husbandio is always trying to tell me that he barely smokes at all. Fine, but that means whatever he IS smoking smells like the devil.
Isn’t it hilarious!? It’s one of the most obvious habits. You really can’t hide it, unless you smoke one per day and shower and change immediately while no one else is home. Silly boyfriends/husbands!
On a local radio station they ripped off that mexican beer fellow and started a “most interesting man in the morning” segment. It was kind of awful. Perhaps if they had incorporated the gaucho pants it would have been better.
That goes without saying.
Loved it! :D
Thanks a lot! I loved writing it :)
Congrats on the preg, FP and visiting BC for vacation.
Great post.
None of these are lies. I don’t want to have to remember what I said so it’s easier to tell the truth and not have to worry.
Cheers,
iRuniBreathe
Thank you and thank you… but I didn’t get to go to BC :( I’m the only Shenanigans sibling left behind. So sad. Something about flying in the 3rd trimester and having to work… and now answer to comments on my blog since being Freshly Pressed.
I really appreciate you stopping by to have a read :) Cheers!
There are worse ways to spend an afternoon. :)
the luckiest clover……nice, great images when you google something, most pages have a woman in some stage of undress which I never understood, but am thankful for
Do a Google Image search for the word ‘epic’ if that floats your boat… I wrote a blog post about that on my old blog.
Thanks for stopping by. Cheers :)
My daughter is 3 and she’s already began with the lying. She even has an alter ego who’s name is 1 letter off from hers. She blames everything on this imaginary friend.
My brother’s imaginary friend at this age was a cup… yes, a cup. His name was Winkey. I’m sure he’d kill me for sharing that! Oh the tall tales…
Love the blog- not to worry about the lying. Truth is good, safer and all that. Sometimes, though, the truth is just too boring. One of my daughters habitually lies. She entertains me to no end. She knows that we see through her, but she’d rather make it up as she goes along anyway. When I tell her that I need to know what’s real, just now, you can see the wheels clicking, then she’ll sigh and answer. Then I tell her to stick out her tongue for inspection, and she laughs and tells the truth. I think. Oh well!
Smoking is gross, but so are a lot of other things. If he’s a good guy, hang in there (especially a good kisser!) You’ve got some time before the alien creature comes and takes over your universe. In the meantime, have him start smoking outside. Not to be mean, but because if he smokes in the house you’ll throw up kielbasa and beans into his chest hairs. Trust me- it works!
Awe, thanks for your support bringmemycoffee… that’s pretty cute about your daughter.
And believe me, if he smokes in the house, he’s gonna get it good. That was the first thing I said to him after “we’re pregnant.” I actually told him right from the get go (after I found out he was a smoker after he’d lied to me and said he wasn’t! Oh joy…) that I’d entertain the possibility of getting serious with him if and only if he agreed that should we ever live together, no cigarettes in the house!
Lol. Lies=%95 present of the internets. nice post. complete with a custom animal advice macro. nice
Lies, little white lies, half truths… So many ways to look at it.
indeed
Also, really thank you for taking the time to read and comment! I should have said that. How rude of me :(
no worries, I enjoyed your post.
LOL! Wonderfully entertaining post! I enjoyed the comments by yourself and Le Clown…and your response about smoking addiction! The lie from your childhood reminded me of the escapades that I got into as a little tyke! A great read, and I’ll stop by in the future! :)
Thanks so much Vagabond :) You’re most welcome on this page anytime you like! I really appreciate everyone’s kind words, almost more about the smoking addiction reply than the post itself! It’s easier to be funny than to be sincere without being funny. I spent a long time being very judgemental and I’m glad I’ve come to a place where I can be more compassionate.
I checked out your blog and the ‘Short Stuff’ page made me chuckle (esp. the Tuesdays bit). I have fond memories of Reno from my vagabond days. I hope my kids get the travel bug. Seeing the world is a must. Best of luck and safe and happy travels!
Thanks Shanz, and thanks for stopping by! I’m glad I could entertain you..even a little ;). And about your kids….just give them a subscription to National Geographic every year. I’m convinced that’s what did it for me!
that opener was brilliant! your writing is lovely and the truth (despite the entire thing speaking about lies)
So, so true!
congrats on being fresh pressed! Keep writing!
Hi Nicole,
Thanks so much for the compliments *blush blush*. Anyone who says they’ve never lied is absolutely lying, though I admit, other than when I was a child, I’m honest to a fault. It doesn’t count if I tell some one I borrowed something and then confess I stole it! lol
P.S. I’m wearing the pants right now…
Reblogged this on singleinacollegetown and commented:
I like how her mind works. I may have a girl crush….
I replied on your blog :) Thanks so much again!
Congratulations! Stuck as I am in my little corner of the blog world I never would have found you if it wasn’t for FP. I can remember wearing sweats throuhout our first pregnancy. And we were adopting! Nowadays I can’t fit into my jeans anymore. That’s what you get for having kids. Good luck with your impending one!
I’m afraid my life will be filled with gaucho pants from now on… truth be told, I tried to fit into my previously perfectly fitting yoga pants and failed, so I stole my mom’s gaucho pants.
Thanks for the congrats! FP is cool like that. There are so many great blogs out there that never get read. I feel like I won the lottery :) In reality, I think it’s because I made internet friends with Le Clown.
Le Clown, if you’re reading this, want to be my friend?
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Absolute and utter adoration :)
Awwwwwww yeah! Thanks :)
Okay so I’m following you now because this was so entertaining. Plus, it reminded me of my first lie, which was totally pointless and not even fun. I was helping my grandparents find their miniature poodles. They were mean and grouchy. (The dogs.) Well, I found them in the piano room. They pounced at me from from a shadowy corner, snarling and ready to bite. I ran back to my family and announced “They’re not in the piano room!” They continued their search for quite some time and I pretended to search elsewhere.
Anyway, fun post and topic….keep it coming! :-)
That didn’t sound entirely pointless. Self-preservation perhaps? The longer they stayed in the piano room the longer you could avoid them!
Thanks for commenting and following. I’ll do my best not to disappoint :)
You’ve been referenced, AGAIN!
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/writing-challenge-1/
Very cool. I noticed I had a pingback a few days ago, but the link was dead. Guess it went up. Thanks for telling me :)
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